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So now they aren’t going to charge Jessica Alba for posting Great White Shark pictures on the Bricktown underpass in Oklahoma City. Funny, I think, that it was “an online shark conservation blog” that posted the pics that helped her get busted in the first place. Anyway, the police have decided that no charges will be filed and the damage isn’t the city’s problem. It’s up to the railroad and the United Way. Easy fix? Donation, donation, donation? Hmmm, do you think her presence in Oklahoma City filming “The Kller Inside of Me” with Kate Hudson has anything to do with the charges being drop? Okay, I’m sorry, she says.

Okay, I’ll make a donation she says. Okay, no problem, they say. After all, lots of revenue coming into town when they film movies there, huh? Don’t you wish it were that easy for all of us would-be activists who would love to get away with posting pictures of well, whatever all over town?

 

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Poor, troubled Lindsay Lohan, she can’t seem to catch a break (or maybe she’s not really trying?). Anyway, there was a shocking jewelry theft at a London photo shoot a few weeks ago — $400,000 worth of diamonds — and some observers seem to think Linds had something to do with it. Why? Well, because she was there.

But there were reportedly 20 other people there, you say, so isn’t it a little unfair to simply point the finger at a struggling straight-to-cable film actress?

Yes and No. Yes, because, sure, anyone could have snatched the jewels. No, because this isn’t the first time Lohan has been at the center of such nefarious accusations.

British media said the jewels were made by Dior and loaned to Elle magazine for the shoot in north London on June 6. The theft was reported to police a couple of days later. Police have made no arrests, and are interviewing several people in connection with their inquiry. A representative for Lohan said she was not being investigated personally and she had not yet been questioned by police. “No one has contacted us” about it, said the spokeswoman.

On the shoot, according to an insider quoted by a gossip site who may or may not have made up this quote, “She kept going on about the jewels, asking if she could have them. We all thought she was joking.”

But now, the pattern: In April of ’07, Linds was accused of taking more than $10,000 worth of clothes and jewelry from model

Lauren Hastings while Hastings was working in Europe and a mutual friend was house sitting, according to Star magazine. In August of that same year, she kept some clothes on loan from Louis Vuitton for an Elle magazine photo shoot. Seven months later, she was photographed leaving a party wearing an $11,000 fur coat that didn’t belong to her. (She later quietly returned it.)

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Rosalie Hale of Twilight, Nikki Reed and Ashley Greene, best known for playing Alice Cullen want to give up smoking and be better role models. Eonline reported that a close friend of Ms. Reed revealed
“Everyone on the cast smokes, and they are all trying to quit because they are on Twilight and know they are in the public eye,”.
Reed is close friends with her Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart.
Greene is good friends with her Twilight co-stars, particularly Kellan Lutz, whom she knew before filming the movie.

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Heidi and Spencer Pratt’s Plasticine presence, which seems to have been delivered via wormhole from a strange land where people are shrink-wrapped in vacuous packages ready-made for reality TV, is the exact product that’s appeared on “The Hills,” countless magazine covers and most recently, NBC’s “I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!” (Msnbc.com is a joint venture between Microsoft and NBC Universal.)

So why do we care?

We care because they are America right now.

The common denominator between those who claim to loathe and the few who admit to liking the couple is the idea that the couple represents the American dream. Or at least the current, common iteration of it, where the goals are to grow up, be beautiful, have money and be famous.

That notion and the degree to which some hold it dear might be everything that’s not right with our country and culture, but it’s also a dream that’s been documented and aspired to by people long before the Pratts began to torture our sensibilities one publicity stunt at a time. It’s a frame of reference that bridges the gap between the Pratts in a Costa Rican jungle, and you spending another night in front a the TV.

The fact that Spencer can induce synaptic seasickness with alarming brevity adds texture to their act (though they say it is not one), and is exactly what engages us just when we’re ready to run in the opposite direction.

Case in point: During Spencer’s June 16 interview with Larry King, he described Al Roker as “an elderly man” who thought he could “parade my 22-year-old wife on television.”

Really, Spencer? Don’t you even know the meaning of the word “elderly”? And is that your best defense against an interviewer who asked questions that were not publicist approved and better yet, were actually relevant?

Spencer often appears to be the one charting the pair’s collective course of celebrity, but Heidi is complicit, too. How better to remain relevant than to appear in Playboy, one of the hallmarks of the American notion of free speech?

“It’s an amazing magazine, very iconic,” Heidi told Us Weekly just hours after her encounter with Roker on June 15. “You have to be a sex symbol, like Marilyn Monroe, to be considered!”

And with that, Heidi, and by the transitive property, Spencer (who will surely have some issue with how Playboy decides to parade his 22-year-old wife onto the pages of the magazine) live to see another news cycle.

That their success grows in direct proportion to what looks like nothing more than laziness and chicanery is bad enough. The fact that they play by the rules they seemingly wrote and we get sucked in only makes it worse. The only thing left to do is observe and hope that their American dream is one that we can all wake up from.


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